Lost
by The Slytherin Devoid
Summary: Remus is lost without Sirius. He struggles to find himself in this time and finally reaches a decision that will change everything. Rated M for non explicit suicide. SLASH RL/SB.


**Disclaimer: I am not in ownership of the lovely series that is HP.**

Lost

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Right now I'm just not sure about that. Do people even realise the meaning behind the words they spout out, packed with poetic accuracy. I watched from several feet away as he fell. The only feeling rushing through my veins, enclosing my heart was anger, a cold hard, cruel hate for everything, for anything and most importantly at that very moment for _Him. _How could things turn out this way? We both knew he was foolish, unpredictable and more than a tad reckless, however love was love. Whilst those characteristics may have seems infuriating at times all I ever saw was the sweet endearing nature behind them. Yet all I had ever felt, all those feelings, they were ripped away with such ferocity, with such anger that nothing was left unharmed except the growing void within me; a void of such blatant emptiness echoing inside me, aching and throbbing in pain. He was gone, gone for good this time, never to return. I knew it wouldn't matter the time that passed, not after _this_, how could it? There was nothing left for me here, not anymore.

Our relationship was a secret in a secret, a box inside a box, almost lost in our despair. We knew our friends weren't naïve; however it was just one of those subjects no one felt comfortable discussing. We went on ignorantly pretending that our secret was indeed secret although everyone knew it wasn't. Just as they pretended not to notice the fleeting glances and latent touches that seemed just a tad too long be normal. That secret wasn't necessary now, though was it? He was dead. I hated it, how everyone stared at me with that false empathy encompassing their eyes like they understood how I felt. They may have known our secret but in reality they knew nothing about us, nothing. None of the things that truly mattered anyhow; like the dreams and insecurities whispered to each other in our most vulnerable state, early in the morning where the war would keep us up and the warmth could only be found in each other's arms.

He was a bastard for leaving me and I would never forgive him, despite the guttural twisting in my gut saying there was nothing I needed to forgive him for. Yet still I kept this anger inside, breeding deeper within clawing and burrowing its way within my weary soul, until it was the only thing I felt, until I was immersed in nothing but this overwhelming anger.

Months would move by and in the general expanse of time, it just didn't have an impact. I would've forgotten that the sun could rise and the moon could fall, if it weren't for those dreadful nights. The ones filled with a pain so bone crunching, only to be made worse by that solitary aching void that screamed loneliness to the soul. I was alone now and forever. He would never be there to share the brunt of my pain, and as much as I had become content with this void, with this nothingness , I would forever be reminded of it as my heart realised what my mind knew was lost.

The whispers behind that curtain intrigued me much more than his death could ever. Whose voice was that, what did they want? Was he trying to me like I spoke to him through the shadows and loneliness of the night? That ghostly curtain flapped enticingly to the rhythm of those whispers, those calls. I knew he was there, behind that ghastly drape whispering for me to let my presence known. I knew he had missed me just like I had he. My heart seemed lighter than it had ever in the very prospect of seeing his face; holding his steely grey gaze, cupping his cheeks, rubbing my palms into the pricks of his stubble, carding my fingers through his unruly black hair and tangling my tongue with his in a passion indescribable to those who didn't understand. There was only a step between us now. The whispering had increased; if I concentrated I could feel him breathe my name. I knew that was all the reassurance I ever needed as I plunged head first into the veil. Stepping through that drape I would be reunited with him once more, for nothing else mattered. This world was not my world if he did not belong in it.

From the abyss we came and to the abyss we shall return, in only death are we truly free to live.

_AN: Hope you enjoyed that, I'm going to try and post something daily as I have about eight fics or so that need to be posted now, so please if you enjoyed drop me a review to let me know how much, also I shall apologise in advance for grammatical issues such as commas if you have read any of my previous work, you will know they aren't really my thing. So please enjoy and review because I would love to hear from you all._

_Love Sam _


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